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Do you have a question about child discipline?
Ask Dr. Chandler. Check back often for new
questions and her answers.
What makes you think your techniques will work?
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I know they work! I have been refining these techniques over my 25 years in clinical practice. I wrote the book because the techniques are now very well honed, so they work extremely well and extremely quickly. That’s the consistent feedback I get every day from the parents I work with and pediatricians and teachers who refer them.
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You say that punishment is often the least effective means of discipline. Why?
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There are two things that often characterize punishment. First, it is often administered in anger. Second, it generally causes a negative reaction in person being punished – most often, anger. One of the points I make in my book is that anger is not an effective parenting technique.
There are certainly situations when punishment is an appropriate discipline technique. In my book, I explain exactly when and how to apply punishment effectively.
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You also say that anger is not a useful means of discipline. Why?
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Everyone agrees that it is harmful to a healthy relationship between parents and children. But in terms of discipline, anger is ineffective for several reasons. I devote an entire chapter of the book to this subject, but one point I can make quickly is that, at any age, we are unable to think clearly when we are angry. When parents get angry, they are likely to make discipline mistakes. When children are angry, they are unable to process what they need to learn. On that basis alone, anger is not a productive discipline tool.
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Many parents use Time Out, but you have a new version of the technique called Cool Down. How is it different, and why do you think it’s better?
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There are many reasons that Time Out often does not work. One of the problems is that there are so many different versions of this technique; another is that parents are seldom taught exactly how to use it. The instructions for Time Out that appear in some books actually violate the behavioral principles on which it is based. Because of all this confusion, Time Out is often used in ways that are either ineffective, or worse, sometimes even reinforce the problem behaviors it is intended to correct.
In Four Weeks, I provide very clear and specific directions for each step in the Cool Down sequence. I also help parents understand the behavioral rationale behind each step, so they understand the “why” as well as the “what.” In addition to describing the Cool Down very clearly, I also include a chapter of questions parents have asked me, and clear answers to those. Parents who use my technique in exactly the way I prescribe it find that it works extremely well.
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What are some of the biggest successes parents have had using your techniques?
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Here’s an extremely typical example. “Jake” is a six-year-old boy. He is doing well in school; his teachers find him well behaved, and his friends’ parents think he’s a wonderful child. At home, however, there is a lot of arguing going on. Jake is often belligerent, refusing to do his chores or to behave in acceptable ways.
When I talked through these problems with Jake’s parents, I discovered a pattern that is very typical of parents who are having discipline problems. They try one method of discipline, and it works for awhile. Then it stops working, and they try another technique, and then another and another. As a result, there is no consistency in their discipline. Jake is confused and out of control at home.
This is a pretty quick fix. I gave Jake’s parents specific directions to establish clear, consistent, contingent consequences – my 4C’s. And I gave them very specific directions on how to apply just a few discipline techniques. Parents always walk out of the first session saying, “This will never work.” And that’s exactly what Jake’s parents said.
Within a week, I called them to find out how they were doing. “We can’t believe it!” they reported. “There is great improvement. Jake is far more cooperative and pleasant, and he’s even doing some of his chores without argument!” And this, too, is extremely typical. When I check back a year later, it’s still working – they have not “needed” to change discipline techniques.
I consistently find that parents with children aged 2 to 10 who are in similar situations have almost immediate success with my discipline approach. What gives me even greater confidence in the approach and techniques, however, is the fact that I am finding them effective even with children having severe clinical difficulties. I don’t want to suggest that this book will solve clinical problems without the help of a psychologist, but I am very pleased that the techniques can help clinicians to make real inroads in such cases.
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Have you had some failures? What causes them?
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Only one sticks out in my mind. I had my first meeting with one set of parents, heard their difficulties, and outlined my program. At that point, one of them spoke up and said, “We’re not doing this. You’ve got to fix him.” Well, I couldn’t. The problem was in their parenting, and without their willingness to invest their time and energy in learning and using new techniques, the discipline problems were likely to get worse over time.
That’s the only complete “failure” I can recall. Of course, the greatest successes occur when parents put their time and energy into using the techniques consistently, and when their children’s other caretakers use the same rules and techniques. When parents are less dedicated to this program, or they are unwilling or unable to put in the time and energy, the success may be diminished.
But what I can say with complete conviction is that these techniques work – and work very quickly – for the overwhelming majority of parents.
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Is your book intended only for parents who are having difficulties with their children?
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Emphatically not! While my techniques have proven extremely helpful to parents who are struggling with discipline problems, they are also very valuable methods that can help to prevent future trouble. I encourage parents with children in the 3 to 5 age range to use Four Weeks to learn how to set clear expectations and establish patterns of parenting that will serve them well throughout their child-rearing years.
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